Children’s attorneys occupy a strange space in our cultural imagination. They appear in courtrooms, draft legal documents, and speak in formal language about custody arrangements and parental rights. They seem like the opposite of therapists, with their hourly rates and professional distance, their focus on facts rather than feelings.
But here’s what most people miss: children’s attorneys often understand love in ways that even trained therapists don’t. Not because they’re better at feelings or more emotionally intelligent, but because they see love’s consequences play out in the most revealing laboratory imaginable: family court.
Love Without the Narrative Filter
Therapists hear stories. Their clients come in with narratives already formed, explanations already crafted, and interpretations already settled. “I love my children more than anything” is something every therapist hears constantly. And they have no particular reason to doubt it.
Children’s attorneys hear the same declarations. But then they see the evidence. They review phone records showing a parent who claims to be desperate for more time but rarely calls when the child is with the other parent. They read text messages revealing someone who says they put their children first but consistently prioritizes new relationships over parenting time. They examine financial records of parents who profess devotion but won’t contribute to medical bills or school expenses.
This isn’t about catching people in lies. Most parents genuinely believe they love their children deeply while simultaneously behaving in ways that contradict that love. The disconnect isn’t conscious deception. It’s the gap between how we understand ourselves and what our actions actually demonstrate.
The Revealed Preference of Love
Economists talk about “revealed preference” when someone’s choices demonstrate their true priorities more accurately than their stated preferences. You might say you value health, but if you consistently choose fast food over home cooking, your behavior reveals something different.
Children’s attorneys become experts in the revealed preference of parental love. They learn to look past declarations and examine patterns. Does this parent show up consistently or only when it’s convenient? Do they follow through on commitments to their children even when it’s difficult? Do they protect their children from adult conflicts or put them in the middle?
The answers to these questions tell a story that therapy sessions often miss. A parent might spend hours in therapy working through their childhood trauma and discussing their parenting philosophy, all while consistently arriving late to pick up their children or “forgetting” to send required medications between households.
Children’s attorneys see this pattern repeated endlessly: the gap between who we think we are as parents and who our daily choices reveal us to be.
Love as Verb, Not Feeling
Here’s what children’s attorneys understand viscerally: love is something you do, not something you feel. This might sound harsh, even unromantic. We’re trained to think of love as an emotion, a bond, a connection of hearts. And those things matter.
But to a child whose parent promises to attend the school play but doesn’t show up, or who says they’ll call every Tuesday but rarely does, love as a feeling means nothing. What matters is whether love shows up in behavior, consistently, even when it’s inconvenient.
Family lawyers in Melbourne and elsewhere watch this play out in small and large ways. They see parents who cry in their offices about how much they miss their children but who skip scheduled visits because something more interesting came up. They see parents who claim their ex is keeping the children from them while their own phones show weeks of unreturned calls from those same children.
The lesson isn’t that feelings don’t matter. It’s that feelings without corresponding action aren’t actually love. They’re self-comfort masquerading as devotion.
The Inconvenience Test
Children’s attorneys develop an informal test for assessing parental devotion: the inconvenience test. How much discomfort will a parent endure for their child’s benefit?
Real love shows up when it’s hard. It means attending a child’s event even when you’re tired. It means maintaining civil communication with an ex-partner you’d rather never speak to again. It means following a parenting schedule even when you’d prefer flexibility. It means prioritizing a child’s stability over your own convenience.
Therapists often help parents work through their feelings about these challenges. They validate how hard it is to co-parent with someone you’re angry at or to stick to schedules that don’t align with your work demands. This emotional support has value.
But children’s attorneys cut through the complexity with a simpler question: are you doing it anyway? Because from a child’s perspective, understanding why a parent didn’t show up doesn’t actually help. The hole in their day exists regardless of the explanation.
The Difference Between Love and Performance
Another lesson children’s attorneys learn: some parents perform love beautifully while failing to practice it consistently. They post constantly on social media about how much they adore their children. They buy expensive gifts and plan elaborate outings. They speak eloquently about the importance of their relationship with their kids.
But when it comes to the boring, daily work of parenting, they’re often absent. They don’t help with homework. They don’t enforce bedtimes. They don’t attend parent-teacher conferences or medical appointments. They’re unreliable about pickup times and forget to pack lunches or required school forms.
This performative love can be confusing for everyone, including therapists who might see the social media posts or hear about the big gestures. But children’s attorneys see the pattern in the details: communication logs showing spotty engagement, school records showing one parent handling everything, financial documents revealing who actually pays for children’s needs.
Children experience the disconnect too. They might not have language for it yet, but they feel the difference between a parent who loves the idea of being a parent and a parent who loves the actual work of parenting.
Why This Matters
Understanding love through the lens children’s attorneys use doesn’t diminish the importance of feelings, connection, or emotional bonds. But it does add crucial clarity about what children actually need from the adults who love them.
Children need parents who show up consistently, who follow through on commitments, who prioritize their wellbeing over adult convenience, and who demonstrate love through reliable action rather than passionate declaration. They need love that’s visible in small daily choices, not just big emotional moments.
This perspective doesn’t make parenting easier. If anything, it makes it harder by removing the comfort of good intentions as a substitute for actual follow-through. But it also provides clarity about what matters most: not how we feel about our children, but whether our actions consistently demonstrate our commitment to their wellbeing.
That’s the wisdom children’s attorneys carry, earned through witnessing countless families navigate love’s most difficult terrain. It’s a wisdom worth paying attention to, whether you’re in a courtroom or not.